Our Holiday Pt.1 - Florida

So, on with the holiday shenanigans.

We started our hols in New York, but only for one night before moving on to Fort Lauderdale for a long weekend. Actually, we were based in Wilton Manors, which will come to no surprise to anyone that's been there. Quite why it's not been renamed Gayville is quite beyond me. Perhaps Bender Heights - it has more of a ring to it, if you'll pardon the pun.

The first thing that stuck me, almost literally, was the humidity. You can actually bite the air, although you look like a fool doing it. Imagine spending the entire day in the hothouse at Kew Gardens and you start to understand what it's like. The entire visit comprised of mad dashes between air-conditioned cars, air-conditioned shops, air-conditioned homes, air-conditioned restaurants - you get the idea. For someone with over-excitable sweat glands it's not a good look.

We had a big Friday night out on the day we arrived and got ridiculously drunk. However, I did get to spend the entire evening with a lovely and very sexy Venezuelan from Miami who I'd chatted to on the internet, and who somehow managed to politely deal with me getting more and more wankered as the evening went on, and then messaged me the next day to tell me how much he enjoyed my company. Aw!

On Saturday we went to Miami, like you do. After having a lovely Cuban meal (pork chops, natch) we ventured down to Miami Beach to have a wander about and generally sweat too much and get sunburned. I liked Miami and have decided I'm going to buy something small on Star Island. Like postage stamp size, judging by the house prices. To be truthful though it has actually crossed my mind to buy a little "condo" in Miami. What with the exchange rate and the US house market softening we could buy a little place and use it as an escape, whilst letting it out occasionally for people on holiday to help pay for it. It's an idea I'm going to be giving some thought to. I've already started putting all my coppers in a jar and reckon I'll have enough for something nice come Christmas.

On Sunday we got up early and ventured into the Everglades, where we had an airboat tour and looked for alligators. I've ALWAYS wanted to have a go in an airboat - you know, they're those things that resemble pieces of corrugated iron with a fan strapped to the back - and wasn't disappointed. I was disappointed at the distinct lack of alligator action however, as we only saw one baby. We did see turtles, a raccoon and loads of vultures though, plus a rather cute fisherman.

Afterwards we headed to Haulover beach, which is like Brighton beach only with sun, sand and attractive people. Oh, and with water you can get in which isn't so cold it makes your testicles retract back inside. Once there I spent the afternoon looking at American pee-pees (it's nudist, I wasn't just lingering in the "rest-rooms") and trying to work out the percentage of cut to uncut. My conclusion - if you have a foreskin, flaunt it. In fact, the guy on the next towel had a very big foreskin, which was being pulled on by some locals. That’s the problem you see - Americans don't know what to do with them, so they just pull on them or put their tongue in them as if they're some sort of exotic fruit. Oh well, if it keeps them quiet.

Later on Sunday we went to "Steel", which is like G.A.Y. but with more facial hair. I mean, it's trying to be a bit butch, but the big burly guys bouncing up and down to "Kung Fu Fighting" kinda spoils the image. And singing along to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" wasn't helping either. There were a couple of hotties in da houz tho - er, sorry about that - and I'd nearly managed to drag one into a dark corner to be devoured when his slightly irate boyfriend showed up to snatch him from my web. Back on the prowl I managed to corner - in my drunken stupor - a rather lovely chap with a thick beard who I was soon leaving with in his truck (result - an American with a big beard and a truck!) along with The Boyf who seemed rather perplexed at the speed of events.

Once back at Beardy's The Boyf promptly fell asleep leaving me to keep the British end up. And lots of fun it was too. He was certainly one of the sexiest guys I've ever slept with, we've kept in contact, and I shall be seeing him again someday.

On Monday the heavens opened, what with Hurricane Fay laying some way off the coast, so we spent a day shopping and mentally preparing for a flight to New York which didn't look like it was going to be pleasant. We actually had to fly through an electrical storm, which was both interesting and terrifying in equal amounts.

And so, late on Monday night, we found ourselves back in New York...