I'm in such a foul mood right now. The run up to Christmas has been one stressful experience after another, most of which seems to be down to The Boyf.
Yet again his car broke down, and we have a lot of travelling to do this weekend so can't do without it. He said he couldn't believe his luck and moped around. I countered that it's been going wrong for weeks - no, months - and that perhaps he should have thought about getting it fixed earlier. So he got The Drag Queen to flirt with a mechanic at the local garage and hey presto! has managed to get it booked in today as a favour.
Yesterday afternoon he went Christmas shopping. And lost his wallet. He loses something at least once a month. Fortunately - incredibly - it was handed in in a bar he'd been in for a de-stressing drink. By the time he came home he was still stressed about spending an hour looking everywhere for said wallet before finally being reunited with it. "Oh well, at least you have it back and nothing is missing" said I, thinking it was a good thing. "Yeah, but I didn't need that stress right now! And I know it was definitely in my pocket!", he bit my head off with. "So, someone lifted it from your pocket and then handed it in, without stealing anything?", I asked. That got me a dirty look and he sloped off to the bedroom.
This morning the car was due to be at the garage for 8:30. I was going to have to bump start it for him so waited for him to finally be ready to leave (8:20). Then he couldn't find his car keys. They were nowhere to be found, so he's obviously dropped them shopping somewhere. After 10 minutes of shouting and swearing at himself he found the spare. I loaned him my house keys with a "Please don't lose those though otherwise we'll be locked out". "I don't lose things on f**king purpose you know!" he shouted. And then I had the good fortune of pushing his car to get it to start and then being late for work, with him refusing to speak.
We still haven't bought Our Best Mates a present so I phoned The Boyf with a solution. One of his presents seemed to have gone missing in the post so I'd ordered another, then the first one turned up. I'm still waiting for the second although it doesn't look like it's going to be with us for Christmas. So I suggested to The Boyf that I give OBM's the one that has turned up and then he could have the second when it arrives. But oh no! He immediately went into a mood, "But that's the one present that I've been looking forward to, and now I'll have to watch someone else open it and I won't have one!". "How old are you?", I asked, "Because you're acting like a spoilt 8 year old". "Oh, give it to them then. It's spoilt now anyway", he said. I put the phone down on him. That was 5 minutes ago, hence my mood.
Tomorrow we have a long drive up to the Midlands to see his parents, who he always moans about having to see, so that's going to be a bundle of laughs. Last week I was really looking forward to Christmas, but right now I wish it was already over. I've gone from having a big pile of presents I'm really pleased with to just wanting it all to go away. Oh, I'll be ok by Tuesday, but next year there are going to be some changes in my relationship, you mark my words...
Anyway, I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas. Thank you for being such a wonderful audience (when I can be bothered to write anything).
Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
OMO At The Movies: "The Golden Compass"
We don't seem to have been to the pictures for ages. Not since OBM#2 and I sloped off to see Transformers for the second time at the IMAX. It wasn't as good the second time round I have to say. Oh well, I got to spend some time with my best friend on our own, which is always nice.
Anyway, The Golden Compass. Here's a quick synopsis (lots of spoilers included)...
We are introduced to Lyra, our heroine, by way of seeing her running through fields and climbing across rooves with the local ruffians, known as "Gyptians", which we assume is a shortening of "Egyptian" even though they look like the chimney-sweep kids from Mary Poppins. We are obviously being told, in a very ham-fisted way, that Lyra must be a free spirit and head-strong. We immediately don't like her, not because she's naughty, but simply because she's deeply annoying. Also, we don't like her Daemon, which is explained as being her soul in the body of an animal which follows her around. I immediately start to wonder what clubbing and sex would be like with a load of animals getting in the way. In fact, isn't everything going to be really difficult if you have an animal with you? Imagine Sainsburys on a Saturday! And supposing you end up with an elephant. You're not going to be able to go anywhere!
Anyway, then Daniel Craig appears with a beard and all thoughts of anything else disappear. Sigh. Christ that man's sexy, for some unfathomable reason.
Then there's a 10 minute section in which an awful lot of words are said which don't really mean anything in an attempt to shoehorn a large amount of plot into a short space of time, leaving us wondering what's actually going on. Some of these words may or may not have been borrowed from Harry Potter.
Then Lyra's best friend suddenly states that children are disappearing, and she promises to save him if he's taken. We wonder if his disappearance could have been set up in a way which didn't feel like you were having someone shout it in your face.
Nicole Kidman arrives, in a shot from behind as she sashays into a large dining room. She's lacking the hips to be wiggling like that, frankly. She's introduced to us as another free-spirited woman, and someone to be weary of. She does this by demonstrating that everyone is afraid of her, for reasons we don't understand. She is thus very enigmatic and we go "Ooooooo, enigmatic". She invites Lyra to come to the "north" with her - we presume she doesn't mean Sheffield - and although Lyra only met her 2 minutes ago she accepts, and therefore deserves any trouble she gets into.
Lyra is given the last remaining Golden Compass to look after. Christ knows why, as clearly she's not to be trusted. The Golden Compass is a device who's purpose was explained to us at the start of the film at breakneck speed and without detail, and whilst we were still trying to get comfortable and juggle our icecream, popcorn and jumbo Pepsi. We therefore have no idea what it does.
Lyra's best friend disappears. Shock! She doesn't seem to care and heads off with Nicole regardless.
By this time Daniel Craig has gone "north" and has been captured, and is not to be seen again until the final 5 minutes of the film. Thus for most of the duration of the movie we're left wondering how his capture has moved the plot on, even though it turns out it hasn't.
There is a sequence which goes a bit "My Fair Lady" where we're treated to shots of London with the buildings stretched and plumped via the wonders of CGI, and where Nicole tries to turn Lyra into a mini version of herself with the cunning use of a new dress and a brush through her hair. Something fishy is going on and we're not entirely sure it's going to be explained very well at any point during this movie.
Lyra runs away and is aided by the Gyptians, who now look like pirates and live on a boat, causing us further confusion. Lyra reveals to the Gyptians (rather too quickly, like everything else in this film) that she's in possession of the Golden Compass. The filmmakers, apparently aware that we weren't paying enough attention in the title sequence, decide to have a Gyptian explain the device again, withouth actually explaining it properly. Again. We are led to believe that the Compass is incredibly difficult to read and noone can do it anymore. Imagine our surprise when Lyra manages it first time!
They travel "north" to look for the captive children, which turns out to be somewhere inside the Artic Circle. Not sure how they know the children are up "north". Perhaps I blinked and missed that part, in the same way that I missed the relevance of a random witch turning up on the boat and then leaving again. Once north they have the fortune of running into both Sam Elliott (not looking as sexy as he used to) and a talking Polar Bear both of whom have nothing better to do than help them - I love it when that happens. Lyra helps the Bear to gain his rightful crown as the Polar Bear King, which involves a fight sequence, and this has nothing to do with the rest of the film. Lyra and the Bear head to where the children are being held but are separated using the age-old "bridge which is only strong enough for one person and thus collapses behind our hero(ine)" routine. Lyra continues on her own. I'm sure she would have frostbite by now and lost her fingers and toes, but never mind. Perhaps next time they could CGI her some stumps. On a vaguely related note; did you know that for years after seeing Forrest Gump I believed that Gary Sinise was actually an amputee?
Anyway, Lyra makes it to the captive children and figures out what's going on. We don't. We're still a bit confused as to why they're separating children from their Daemons. What's the point? Soulless children? Surely there are enough of those in Bermondsey as it is. And why are they only doing one child at a time rather than trying to do it on a much larger scale. However, we understand that it's all about puberty because they tell us in a particularly clunky way.
There's a big reveal in which Nicole turns out to be Lyra's mother - like we didn't see that one coming - and Daniel Craig is her Dad. I wonder aloud what it would be like to call Daniel "Daddy". Lyra escapes and frees the children and then there's a big-ish "Lord Of The Rings" style battle sequence where a load of witches turn up to help for no real reason. Presumably they have some time off between other fantasy movies. The children flee across the ice to what we presume is safety although we're not told. They could quite easily have succumbed to the cold or been picked off by various predators, fallen off cliffs etc, but we're not privvy to that information. Lyra and her Bear fly off with Sam Elliott and one of the witches in his airship thing, even though she barely knows them. Presumably they're heading off for another adventure at breakneck speed in which everyone knows what's going on in the blink of an eye, and during which there will be an awful lot of characters who don't really do anything to further the plot.
Oh, and I've entirely missed mentioning the Magisterium. I think they're only there so that we equate them with organised religion and thus go "Oooo, them bad!". And there's mention of "Gobblers" which we found very amusing.
Amazingly I did actually quite enjoy it, but it is hugely derivitive. It's like a little bit of Harry Potter, a smidgeon on Narnia, and a dollop of Lord Of The Ring. And a touch of Star Wars for good measure ("Lyra - I am your Mother"). There just doesn't seem to be any fresh ideas. And the pace is just ridiculous. It cracks along at such a speed we never feel like we know what's going on or why, and the characters don't have a chance to flesh our who they are. And if Lyra died at any stage I honestly wouldn't mind one bit. But until the next Narnia film comes out it's enough to keep us entertained for a couple of hours, even if you'd never want to see it again.
Anyway, The Golden Compass. Here's a quick synopsis (lots of spoilers included)...
We are introduced to Lyra, our heroine, by way of seeing her running through fields and climbing across rooves with the local ruffians, known as "Gyptians", which we assume is a shortening of "Egyptian" even though they look like the chimney-sweep kids from Mary Poppins. We are obviously being told, in a very ham-fisted way, that Lyra must be a free spirit and head-strong. We immediately don't like her, not because she's naughty, but simply because she's deeply annoying. Also, we don't like her Daemon, which is explained as being her soul in the body of an animal which follows her around. I immediately start to wonder what clubbing and sex would be like with a load of animals getting in the way. In fact, isn't everything going to be really difficult if you have an animal with you? Imagine Sainsburys on a Saturday! And supposing you end up with an elephant. You're not going to be able to go anywhere!
Anyway, then Daniel Craig appears with a beard and all thoughts of anything else disappear. Sigh. Christ that man's sexy, for some unfathomable reason.
Then there's a 10 minute section in which an awful lot of words are said which don't really mean anything in an attempt to shoehorn a large amount of plot into a short space of time, leaving us wondering what's actually going on. Some of these words may or may not have been borrowed from Harry Potter.
Then Lyra's best friend suddenly states that children are disappearing, and she promises to save him if he's taken. We wonder if his disappearance could have been set up in a way which didn't feel like you were having someone shout it in your face.
Nicole Kidman arrives, in a shot from behind as she sashays into a large dining room. She's lacking the hips to be wiggling like that, frankly. She's introduced to us as another free-spirited woman, and someone to be weary of. She does this by demonstrating that everyone is afraid of her, for reasons we don't understand. She is thus very enigmatic and we go "Ooooooo, enigmatic". She invites Lyra to come to the "north" with her - we presume she doesn't mean Sheffield - and although Lyra only met her 2 minutes ago she accepts, and therefore deserves any trouble she gets into.
Lyra is given the last remaining Golden Compass to look after. Christ knows why, as clearly she's not to be trusted. The Golden Compass is a device who's purpose was explained to us at the start of the film at breakneck speed and without detail, and whilst we were still trying to get comfortable and juggle our icecream, popcorn and jumbo Pepsi. We therefore have no idea what it does.
Lyra's best friend disappears. Shock! She doesn't seem to care and heads off with Nicole regardless.
By this time Daniel Craig has gone "north" and has been captured, and is not to be seen again until the final 5 minutes of the film. Thus for most of the duration of the movie we're left wondering how his capture has moved the plot on, even though it turns out it hasn't.
There is a sequence which goes a bit "My Fair Lady" where we're treated to shots of London with the buildings stretched and plumped via the wonders of CGI, and where Nicole tries to turn Lyra into a mini version of herself with the cunning use of a new dress and a brush through her hair. Something fishy is going on and we're not entirely sure it's going to be explained very well at any point during this movie.
Lyra runs away and is aided by the Gyptians, who now look like pirates and live on a boat, causing us further confusion. Lyra reveals to the Gyptians (rather too quickly, like everything else in this film) that she's in possession of the Golden Compass. The filmmakers, apparently aware that we weren't paying enough attention in the title sequence, decide to have a Gyptian explain the device again, withouth actually explaining it properly. Again. We are led to believe that the Compass is incredibly difficult to read and noone can do it anymore. Imagine our surprise when Lyra manages it first time!
They travel "north" to look for the captive children, which turns out to be somewhere inside the Artic Circle. Not sure how they know the children are up "north". Perhaps I blinked and missed that part, in the same way that I missed the relevance of a random witch turning up on the boat and then leaving again. Once north they have the fortune of running into both Sam Elliott (not looking as sexy as he used to) and a talking Polar Bear both of whom have nothing better to do than help them - I love it when that happens. Lyra helps the Bear to gain his rightful crown as the Polar Bear King, which involves a fight sequence, and this has nothing to do with the rest of the film. Lyra and the Bear head to where the children are being held but are separated using the age-old "bridge which is only strong enough for one person and thus collapses behind our hero(ine)" routine. Lyra continues on her own. I'm sure she would have frostbite by now and lost her fingers and toes, but never mind. Perhaps next time they could CGI her some stumps. On a vaguely related note; did you know that for years after seeing Forrest Gump I believed that Gary Sinise was actually an amputee?
Anyway, Lyra makes it to the captive children and figures out what's going on. We don't. We're still a bit confused as to why they're separating children from their Daemons. What's the point? Soulless children? Surely there are enough of those in Bermondsey as it is. And why are they only doing one child at a time rather than trying to do it on a much larger scale. However, we understand that it's all about puberty because they tell us in a particularly clunky way.
There's a big reveal in which Nicole turns out to be Lyra's mother - like we didn't see that one coming - and Daniel Craig is her Dad. I wonder aloud what it would be like to call Daniel "Daddy". Lyra escapes and frees the children and then there's a big-ish "Lord Of The Rings" style battle sequence where a load of witches turn up to help for no real reason. Presumably they have some time off between other fantasy movies. The children flee across the ice to what we presume is safety although we're not told. They could quite easily have succumbed to the cold or been picked off by various predators, fallen off cliffs etc, but we're not privvy to that information. Lyra and her Bear fly off with Sam Elliott and one of the witches in his airship thing, even though she barely knows them. Presumably they're heading off for another adventure at breakneck speed in which everyone knows what's going on in the blink of an eye, and during which there will be an awful lot of characters who don't really do anything to further the plot.
Oh, and I've entirely missed mentioning the Magisterium. I think they're only there so that we equate them with organised religion and thus go "Oooo, them bad!". And there's mention of "Gobblers" which we found very amusing.
Amazingly I did actually quite enjoy it, but it is hugely derivitive. It's like a little bit of Harry Potter, a smidgeon on Narnia, and a dollop of Lord Of The Ring. And a touch of Star Wars for good measure ("Lyra - I am your Mother"). There just doesn't seem to be any fresh ideas. And the pace is just ridiculous. It cracks along at such a speed we never feel like we know what's going on or why, and the characters don't have a chance to flesh our who they are. And if Lyra died at any stage I honestly wouldn't mind one bit. But until the next Narnia film comes out it's enough to keep us entertained for a couple of hours, even if you'd never want to see it again.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Where's The Bear?
In all the hoo-ha surrounding Gillian Gibbons naming the class Teddy "Muhammad" recently, noone seems to have asked how the bear is handling the sudden media intrusion, or indeed what has happened to it. Has anyone actually seen the bear in all of this? Not once was his plight televised by the media here in the UK, who were only interested in getting that woman back where she belongs (which, frankly, would appear to be Primark).
Is Muhammad still in the classroom, being looked after by the kids and the new teacher? Has he changed his name to avoid further trouble and to distance himself from further media speculation? Has he managed to flee from the Sudan? Or is he just laying discarded somewhere, lost and forlorn? I just pray that it hasn't been stoned to death or something.
Is Muhammad still in the classroom, being looked after by the kids and the new teacher? Has he changed his name to avoid further trouble and to distance himself from further media speculation? Has he managed to flee from the Sudan? Or is he just laying discarded somewhere, lost and forlorn? I just pray that it hasn't been stoned to death or something.
As so often happens in these situations it's the little people that get forgotten. Or, in this case, the little bears. We should not give up the fight for this bear, just because that teacher is back in the UK.
Also, someone really needs to tell Gillian Gibbons to do something with her hair before she instigates another international incident.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
All's Well That Ends
This weekend wasn't one of our best, all in all, although it was salvaged at the last moment, albeit not by a hairy muscular man on a horse, which is how I like all my weekends to end.
Er.
The Boyf hasn't been well. There seems to be a lot of chest infections going round and as usual I haven't caught it myself although I seem to be surrounded by sick people. My Boss, then two of my team, have been out of work and then finally The Boyf succumbed. He calls me "Typhoid Nelly" on account of my ability to pass germs from one person to another without being ill myself. Most usually chlamydia. Kidding.
I always berate women when they say that men are crap at being ill, but I have to say that The Boyf was a terrible patient. For two whole days communication almost completely broke down as all I could get were half-opened eyes and groans. It seemed a slow, agonising death of Oscar winning proportions right up until Sunday morning when he suddenly pronounced himself well again and then complained that the flat could do with a tidy round. Like I hadn't been busy enough mopping his brow.
Friday night had seen a World AIDS Day charity event at Tonka, with the return of the porn stars, and we'd been looking forward to it. The Boyf mumbled into my ear that I could go on my own if I fancied it, and then added that he'd be fine left all on his own as he had been all day whilst I was at work. I didn't go out. Instead I sat and watched The Boyf sleep for the entire evening until I carried him to the bed which didn't even rouse him from his slumber.
Saturday night was Megawoof!, and OBM#2 was pestering me to leave The Boyf at home and come out on my own, where we could both get up to no good (as OBM#1 was busy elsewhere). I mentioned it to The Boyf and again he mumbled that he didn't mind if I left him all alone. He'd be fine. As long as he didn't need anything urgently because he didn't have the strength to move. "No, go out and leave me and try not to worry about me whilst you're having fun", he added. Urgh! I didn't go out. He spent the evening asleep again.
Come Sunday morning I needed to get out of the flat. And then The Boyf bounced into the room pronouncing himself well again. A Christmas miracle no less! I'd made arrangements to visit my Mum which had been put on hold, but with The Boyf better he said he could do with getting out and would enjoy the trip out of London. So we set off. And then the car broke down. We'd managed about 6 miles. I tinkered about under the bonnet but it was only going to be a temporary measure - we certainly weren't going to get any further on our trip. So we headed home, having to make a couple of stops on the way to sort the car out.
Deciding to make the best of a bad situation, one of the stops put us in range of a seller of Christmas Trees, so we promptly bought one and stuffed it in the back of the car to give us something to do once we finally reached home. So now Christmas has officially arrived in our flat, courtesy of a beautiful 7 foot Nordic Pine which we decorated whilst drinking sherry and listening to Doris Day. It's a Christmas tradition now in our home.
And then I remembered that I had been given two tickets to see Mika in concert for my birthday by The God, no less. From seeing him at the gym that time and then, er, having a little fun in The Hoist, The God has turned into one of our better friends. With the Boyf newly recovered and the "end" part of "weekend" rapidly approaching we headed out to the gig, which was amazing. Mika's a truly talented lad, and puts on a brilliant show. We didn't even care that we only knew three songs (discounting the inspired cover of The Eurythmics' "Missionary Man"). To be honest Mika's songs are highly derivative, sounding largely like Elton John/Freddie Mercury/Scissor Sisters (who are incredibly derivative themselves), but this just means that you have a faint sense of deja vu with each song, like you've heard it somewhere before. Hence it seems easy to pick up the melodies and then drown out everyone around you with a faltering falsetto. Or maybe that's just me. And the encore was such a blast. Dancing bunnies, giant balloons, confetti cannons, the works! We both left with huge smiles on our faces and our weekend finished on a high.
Er.
The Boyf hasn't been well. There seems to be a lot of chest infections going round and as usual I haven't caught it myself although I seem to be surrounded by sick people. My Boss, then two of my team, have been out of work and then finally The Boyf succumbed. He calls me "Typhoid Nelly" on account of my ability to pass germs from one person to another without being ill myself. Most usually chlamydia. Kidding.
I always berate women when they say that men are crap at being ill, but I have to say that The Boyf was a terrible patient. For two whole days communication almost completely broke down as all I could get were half-opened eyes and groans. It seemed a slow, agonising death of Oscar winning proportions right up until Sunday morning when he suddenly pronounced himself well again and then complained that the flat could do with a tidy round. Like I hadn't been busy enough mopping his brow.
Friday night had seen a World AIDS Day charity event at Tonka, with the return of the porn stars, and we'd been looking forward to it. The Boyf mumbled into my ear that I could go on my own if I fancied it, and then added that he'd be fine left all on his own as he had been all day whilst I was at work. I didn't go out. Instead I sat and watched The Boyf sleep for the entire evening until I carried him to the bed which didn't even rouse him from his slumber.
Saturday night was Megawoof!, and OBM#2 was pestering me to leave The Boyf at home and come out on my own, where we could both get up to no good (as OBM#1 was busy elsewhere). I mentioned it to The Boyf and again he mumbled that he didn't mind if I left him all alone. He'd be fine. As long as he didn't need anything urgently because he didn't have the strength to move. "No, go out and leave me and try not to worry about me whilst you're having fun", he added. Urgh! I didn't go out. He spent the evening asleep again.
Come Sunday morning I needed to get out of the flat. And then The Boyf bounced into the room pronouncing himself well again. A Christmas miracle no less! I'd made arrangements to visit my Mum which had been put on hold, but with The Boyf better he said he could do with getting out and would enjoy the trip out of London. So we set off. And then the car broke down. We'd managed about 6 miles. I tinkered about under the bonnet but it was only going to be a temporary measure - we certainly weren't going to get any further on our trip. So we headed home, having to make a couple of stops on the way to sort the car out.
Deciding to make the best of a bad situation, one of the stops put us in range of a seller of Christmas Trees, so we promptly bought one and stuffed it in the back of the car to give us something to do once we finally reached home. So now Christmas has officially arrived in our flat, courtesy of a beautiful 7 foot Nordic Pine which we decorated whilst drinking sherry and listening to Doris Day. It's a Christmas tradition now in our home.
And then I remembered that I had been given two tickets to see Mika in concert for my birthday by The God, no less. From seeing him at the gym that time and then, er, having a little fun in The Hoist, The God has turned into one of our better friends. With the Boyf newly recovered and the "end" part of "weekend" rapidly approaching we headed out to the gig, which was amazing. Mika's a truly talented lad, and puts on a brilliant show. We didn't even care that we only knew three songs (discounting the inspired cover of The Eurythmics' "Missionary Man"). To be honest Mika's songs are highly derivative, sounding largely like Elton John/Freddie Mercury/Scissor Sisters (who are incredibly derivative themselves), but this just means that you have a faint sense of deja vu with each song, like you've heard it somewhere before. Hence it seems easy to pick up the melodies and then drown out everyone around you with a faltering falsetto. Or maybe that's just me. And the encore was such a blast. Dancing bunnies, giant balloons, confetti cannons, the works! We both left with huge smiles on our faces and our weekend finished on a high.
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