I had my first big falling out with The Boyf last night. We're just coming up to our first anniversary and have never had an argument about anything before now. But I did something very stupid, and he took exception to it. He was right to. If the shoe had been on the other foot I would have kicked him squarely in the balls. More than anything I hate going to bed on an argument. Well, perhaps not more than anything. Doesn't it really wind you up when someone pushes the button on a pedestrian crossing when you've already pushed it and the "WAIT" light is one?
Anyway, I wanted to get it all ironed out before bed, but we hadn't, and this morning it all flaired up again. So now I'm at work stewing on it, and I don't know how it's going to pan out. Obviously I hope we don't split up because I love him with all my heart and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him, but the ball's in his court I guess.
My ex once said to me that I have a habit of destroying everything good in my life. That was a bit rich coming from him (here was a guy who'd managed to live with me for 6 years but hadn't told any family or friends that he was gay). But unfortunately he did have a point. I do have this unnerving ability to fuck up everything good that happens to me. It's almost like a subconscious part of me doesn't believe I deserve to be happy and does things to ruin any chance of happiness that comes my way. Is that called "having issues"? Anyway, I guess I'm going to have to get through my day at work and find out how this all works out when I get home tonight. I think it's going to be a long day.
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