Petula Clark

My Mum is such a flirt. She was taken to a Goose Fair yesterday by my sister and her new partner. My sister, I should add, has already managed to get through three husbands and is in no rush to add a fourth. The running order for the first three is divorced, dead, divorced, so I'm guessing the current beau doesn't want to marry her anyway in case a pattern is emerging.

Anyway, it was a lovely day so the Goose Fair seemed like a good idea, and The Boyf and I were invited to lunch after. I had no idea what a Goose Fair was, and it certainly didn't look like a range of tiny carousels and roller-coasters where you could take your fowl for a fun day out. It looked like an oversized village fete, pretentiously titled. My goose was most put-out, having been looking forward to a go on the Not Very Big Dipper since we mentioned it. We therefore never went in, simply sweeping past on the way to my nephew's pub to meet my Mum and sister for said lunch. Once we arrived I found my Mum at the bar perched atop lardy ex-footballer Neil "Razor" Ruddock's knee. Apparently my sister had left my Mum to have a sit down in what she thought was a quiet corner of the fair where she couldn't cause trouble, only to have my Mum phone her mobile minutes later to say that she'd bumped into Razor and family and had invited them to the pub for lunch.

So there we are after lunch in the pub garden; my Mum, my sister, her partner, me and The Boyf, Razor, Leah Newman (Page 3 model and currently heavy with a baby Razor), and Razor's Dad and partner. My Mum, still on Razor's lap, is actually flirting with his Dad, a two-way flirt which even managed to impress The Boyf (who did whisper into my ear "Ah, now I know where you get it from". I was so pleased). Leah, I have to add, was about as dumb as a chicken in stilettos, and thus utterly wonderful. She was quite surprised to find that The Boyf and I weren't brothers, but then I think she would have been surprised if someone had told her the sky was blue, or that the forth season of Six Feet Under wasn't really very good. When ordering lunch she said "I can't have pork cause it tastes like pig, dunnit. Do you have any sausages?". Bless!

Oh yeah, the title of this thread was actually part of the punchline to an anecdote Razor told us about Sean Connery, but I can't repeat it due to it probably being highly libellous. I can tell you however that my Mum, on hearing that Razor had met Sean recently, said "Aw, he's getting on now. Did he smell of piss?". I do hope my Mum gets to meet the Queen one day.