The Log Flume

So, the weekend was fun, once again. So much so that I couldn't type about it yesterday cause my hands were still shaking. I thought possibly Parkinson's but apparently it was just detox.

On Saturday we went to Brighton with a couple of friends of ours. One of them had some business to attend to down there so we went along to keep the other company for the day. One rather alarming discovery was made however; Waltzers make me scream. I mean REALLY scream. My voice went up by at least 3 octaves. On exiting the ride we found a stunned silence among the assembled on-lookers. They were obviously expecting a 6 year old girl on helium being chased by Gary Glitter, rather than a 13-odd stone hairy 35 year old male with a giggling fit. I blamed the sugar rush caused by a chocolate waffle.

All this brought back memories of the last time I was in Brighton, which caused it's own squeals for quite some other reason. Being a lovely summer's day, we'd travelled to Brighton to point and giggle at the people on the nudist beach, whilst keeping our clothes on (or so I thought). I should have known better as The Boyf rarely keeps his clothes on no matter where we find ourselves. So, after an afternoon of trying to be demure whilst The Boyf wandered about in the buff, I was ready for a drink, or three.

To cut a long story short we got drunk and missed our last train but were invited to an orgy, which actually turned out to be at a porn film-set in a warehouse. The Boyf was all pleading eyes and I was too drunk to care so off we went. Oh, I should have known better. On arriving we found the orgy consisted of the pair of us, one rather sexy older guy, and three guys who we really didn't want to imagine naked let alone actually see. But hey, in for a penny, in for a pounding. Again, I'll spare you some of the gory details and proceed straight to the money shot; the sexy older guy suddenly appeared with an enormous dildo, and an equally enormous grin. My initial reaction was to bolt for the door, but with a triumphant look on his face and the delicacy of a hippo on a bouncy castle the guy placed the dildo on the floor and sat on it. He then leant forward to be on all fours, ass facing towards me, and said "Fuck me with it, boy!". Well, if it shuts him up, thought I, and proceeded to do what he said, rather nonchalantly I might add. (I had actually seen a copy of "Hello" magazine on a coffee table and was trying to read the cover in the gloom). Anyway, I soon got bored with this and he looked like he'd had his fill (I'd say!), so I let him take a hold of it, and with that he pulled it out and...

(Those just eaten need to look away about..... now)

...promptly shit all over the floor. And without so much a By-Your-Leave. Oh, and the smell! Needless to say, I let out the aforementioned little squeal and The Boyf and I headed for the door, and oxygen.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, brings us right back to chocolate waffles.