Why My Friends Think I'm Weird: Pt.3

I have a funny fixation with vacuum cleaners. Now, before you jump to conclusions, only once did I ever try to see what would happen if I put my, er.... well, you know the rest. Oh, come on, we've all tried it. Haven't we? Oh. Anyway, my fixation is slightly different. I'll explain...

When I was a wee ickle OMO I always fell asleep on the stairs when my Mum was hoovering the house. For some reason the sound of a hoover relaxed me, ultimately sending me to sleep. And it still does, as does anything that makes a loud whirring sound (i.e. hair-dryers).

When I split up with my last boyfriend (we'd been together nearly 7 years), I couldn't sleep properly. I missed the sound of his snoring, his breathing. That was pretty much the only thing I did miss. I tried everything to help me, but in the end only one thing would do. So, Dear Reader, believe it or not I took to balancing a hair-dryer in a boot on my bedside table, turning it on, and falling asleep each night. At some point in the night I'd wake up enough to turn it off and drop straight back off to sleep.

I'll just let you think about that for a moment...



Now, purely from a electricity bill point of view, and the heat build up in the summer, this action seems a little, well, stupid. However, I then woke up one night to the smell of burning plastic and black smoke and realised that I was just about to have a very nasty accident.

So, instead of the hair-dryer I took to turning on the hoover every night.

Hmmmm.

And then finally I found another boyfriend. Who snores and, er, breathes. Personally I always prefer boyfriends who are actually alive. They're better at cooking, although I don't always get to watch the TV I want, so it's all swings and round-a-bouts.

So nowadays having the hoover on is strictly limited to when I'm doing the housework (although I struggle to stay awake whilst doing it), or when The Boyf is away for the night. Yup, when he's not there I still turn the thing on! For fuck's sake don't tell him; I've been blaming the high electricity bill on his internet porn habit.

I've also found that if I'm getting a bit stressed at work the hand-dryers in the toilet calm me down.

So there you go. Should you ever find yourself unlucky enough to be invited back to sleep with me make sure you snore. Or bring a hoover.