Unusually for me I got alot of sleep this weekend. Well, apart from Friday, where we had a very nice surprise visit by The God who wanted to tell us all about his new fella and various other things, and then suddenly said "So, do you mind if I fuck you both?". I laughed, thinking it a joke (after all, he had just said that he was in love with the new beau), but The Boyf, who is far more on the ball than me, quickly accepted the invitation and dragged us in the direction of the bedroom. Well, it's not often you get an offer like that...
Anyway, as I was saying, I got alot of sleep over the weekend so today I'm feeling unusually bright and alert for a Monday. Hence, when the office conversation turned from "The Kylie Show" to "Tyrannosaurus Rex" (don't ask) I decided to regale my work colleagues with some facts about it - that I made up off the hoof - and I thought I'd share them with you. Here they are...
1. The reason for the dinosaurs extinction was completely due to the fact that T-Rex couldn't type. His short arms and long claws made touch-typing a no-no, and he didn't have opposable thumbs meaning "Control, Alt, Delete" was something he could only dream about. When the asteroid was approaching Earth he took so long to type the email about it, it was already too late. Conversely, the mammals, due to their touch-typing skills, received the email on time and took cover. The rest, as they say, is natural history.
2. Although T-Rex was wiped out my a large asteroid, his fate had already been sealed when ham and corned beef were repackaged into tins with those little keys for opening. Also, he wasn't very good at opening jars and thus found meat paste a constant frustration.
3. The collective noun for a group of T-Rex's is a "raaaaarrrrr".
4. T-Rex's favourite TV programme was Ally McBeal, and they were known to congregate together to watch it in large raaaaarrrrrs. (Just demonstrating the collective noun for you).
5. Although blessed with big teeth, T-Rex's bark really was worse than his bite. His roar could be heard 300 miles away and could shatter all glass within 100 yards (making him somewhat unpopular among the dinner party set). However, the amount of force he could exert with his jaws was only equal to that of a small guinea pig, meaning that he was forced to suck most prey to death (like certain gentlemen I've met).
6. T-Rex's gym membership ran out sometime in the late Jurassic Period, and he didn't bother renewing it. This proved fortunate as he was extinct only 80 million years later.
7. Contrary to popular opinion (and most of the facts I've already presented), T-Rex's shortest limbs were actually his legs. The mistake came about when an office junior accidentally stuck the skull on the wrong end of the first skeleton discovered. In actual fact T-Rex had tiny legs and a short stubby tail, plus enormous arms and a long tapering neck which struggled to hold it's large head up. Unicycles were a no-go area.
8. T-Rex was completely colour-blind - or dichromatic, if you want to be fancy about it. This explains that nasty incident involving the green plaid trousers and the orange blouse during the mid-Cretaceous Period.
9. The height restriction at Blackpool Pleasure Beach meant that T-Rex never enjoyed the Pepsi Max Big One. Or Professor Burps Bubble Works at Chessington World Of Adventure.
10. T-Rex now dons a ginger wig and can be seen trying to keep up with the other members of Girls Aloud.
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