I Love November

I'm very aware that my posting has been, at best, sporadic of late. My profuse apologies Dear Reader. I've had stuff on my mind, mainly to do with my job, but also to do with my upcoming birthday. Yes, this Sunday (18th) I will be entering my early late-30's.

Just recently The Boyf and I have been chilling out alot. We've been spending a bit extra time in the gym and have been going for long autumnal walks, this being my favourite time of the year. The temperature suits me and I love the colours. And when we have gone out recently the gay scene seems very muted. Like everyone's waiting for something good to happen. I have to say that Tonka at The Eagle 349 on Fridays is a good night out though. I thoroughly recommend it.

Anyway, I have a big weekend planned for my birthday although it doesn't involve a great deal of clubbing. The Boyf and The Drag Queen are throwing me a little party with a winter Bar-B-Q and a very small collection of close friends. I intend to get very drunk and tell certain people I love them a little too often for comfort. And I have a feeling we'll end up at the RVT on Sunday where I'll get very drunk again and accept birthday kisses from all and sundry.

So, I hope you all have a lovely weekend and I'll report on my birthday shenanigans when I've stopped shaking enough to type.

The Monday Morning Blogbite - T-Rex

Unusually for me I got alot of sleep this weekend. Well, apart from Friday, where we had a very nice surprise visit by The God who wanted to tell us all about his new fella and various other things, and then suddenly said "So, do you mind if I fuck you both?". I laughed, thinking it a joke (after all, he had just said that he was in love with the new beau), but The Boyf, who is far more on the ball than me, quickly accepted the invitation and dragged us in the direction of the bedroom. Well, it's not often you get an offer like that...

Anyway, as I was saying, I got alot of sleep over the weekend so today I'm feeling unusually bright and alert for a Monday. Hence, when the office conversation turned from "The Kylie Show" to "Tyrannosaurus Rex" (don't ask) I decided to regale my work colleagues with some facts about it - that I made up off the hoof - and I thought I'd share them with you. Here they are...

1. The reason for the dinosaurs extinction was completely due to the fact that T-Rex couldn't type. His short arms and long claws made touch-typing a no-no, and he didn't have opposable thumbs meaning "Control, Alt, Delete" was something he could only dream about. When the asteroid was approaching Earth he took so long to type the email about it, it was already too late. Conversely, the mammals, due to their touch-typing skills, received the email on time and took cover. The rest, as they say, is natural history.

2. Although T-Rex was wiped out my a large asteroid, his fate had already been sealed when ham and corned beef were repackaged into tins with those little keys for opening. Also, he wasn't very good at opening jars and thus found meat paste a constant frustration.

3. The collective noun for a group of T-Rex's is a "raaaaarrrrr".

4. T-Rex's favourite TV programme was Ally McBeal, and they were known to congregate together to watch it in large raaaaarrrrrs. (Just demonstrating the collective noun for you).

5. Although blessed with big teeth, T-Rex's bark really was worse than his bite. His roar could be heard 300 miles away and could shatter all glass within 100 yards (making him somewhat unpopular among the dinner party set). However, the amount of force he could exert with his jaws was only equal to that of a small guinea pig, meaning that he was forced to suck most prey to death (like certain gentlemen I've met).

6. T-Rex's gym membership ran out sometime in the late Jurassic Period, and he didn't bother renewing it. This proved fortunate as he was extinct only 80 million years later.

7. Contrary to popular opinion (and most of the facts I've already presented), T-Rex's shortest limbs were actually his legs. The mistake came about when an office junior accidentally stuck the skull on the wrong end of the first skeleton discovered. In actual fact T-Rex had tiny legs and a short stubby tail, plus enormous arms and a long tapering neck which struggled to hold it's large head up. Unicycles were a no-go area.

8. T-Rex was completely colour-blind - or dichromatic, if you want to be fancy about it. This explains that nasty incident involving the green plaid trousers and the orange blouse during the mid-Cretaceous Period.

9. The height restriction at Blackpool Pleasure Beach meant that T-Rex never enjoyed the Pepsi Max Big One. Or Professor Burps Bubble Works at Chessington World Of Adventure.

10. T-Rex now dons a ginger wig and can be seen trying to keep up with the other members of Girls Aloud.

Nothing For A Pair

Camelot has recently had to withdraw a Lottery Scratchcard game from sale over confusion from people as to whether they had won or not. The "Cool Cash" game relied on a player having to scratch off a panel to reveal a lower temperature than was shown on the front of the card, and because of its name and the time of year the given temperature was often a minus figure. Camelot apparently received dozens of complaints from people who couldn't understand how -5 is not a lower temperature than -6, for example.

But it's this quote, from a 23-year old named Tina Farrell in the Manchester Evening News which really gets me.

"On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn't.

I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher, not lower, than -8 but I'm not having it."

Hehehehe, marvellous!

Uh Oh! Not Good News

No, I know - not pretty, is he. But that's not why I'm here.

This fella, Dear Readers, is the Reverend Joel Edwards, General Director of the Evangelical Alliance. He once wrote a paper on "Faith, Hope and Homosexuality" where he explored the relationship between Christianity and Homosexuality. It's conclusion was particularly good reading. For example:

"We call upon evangelical congregations to welcome and accept sexually active homosexual people, but to do so in the expectation that they will come in due course to see the need to change their lifestyle in accordance with biblical revelation and orthodox church teaching. We urge gentleness and patience in this process, and ongoing care even after a homosexual person renounces same-sex sexual relations."

and...

"We commend the work of those organisations which seek to help homosexual Christians live a celibate life, and also commend those groups which responsibly assist homosexuals who wish to reorient to a heterosexual lifestyle."

Yeah, he's obviously a bit nuts. Naturally he's very against homosexual marriages.

Now, why am I introducing him to you, you may well be asking. Well, it's because he's just been appointed by our government as a commissioner to the new Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC), which is an amalgamation of three previous UK equality commissions, being the Commission for Racial Equality, the Equal Opportunities Commission and the Disability Rights Commission.

Yes, he's been appointed to look into equality and human rights!

Very recently he campaigned against a proposal for a crime of incitement to violence on the grounds of sexual orientation, and has said his views on homosexuality will inform his new roll in the EHRC.

This is not good news.

In Which Your OMO Aims For "Funny" But Hits "Offensive"

So, I hope you all had a good All Hallow's Eve, and a Happy Samhain to all Pagans.

The Boyf and I, plus The Drag Queen and Our Best Mates headed to the RVT for a Hallowe'en Brou-Ha-Ha comedy evening, and many people had dressed up for the ocassion. Unfortunately my plans of going as "Kate McCann: Child Minder" had been twarted by not being able to find a Kate mask anywhere. Apparently I'm a wee bit premature and such masks aren't available. Just wait til next year, they'll be everywhere you wait and see.

In the end the lack of a Kate mask blew everything out of the water, and even a last ditch attempt to go as Heather McCartney (with one of us as her leg, lost and searching for it's owner) fell flat, so we stuck with our old favourites - a group of ghostly Chinese winkle pickers, forever stuck in mud and trying to reach land. Tasteful I'm sure you'll agree.

Oh, just for the record, the Brou-Ha-Ha joke competition question was:

Q: What's the difference between Heather McCartney and a broom?

There was a large number of very funny answers, but the eventual winner was:

A: A broom didn't have a spaz-attack on GMTV this morning.