Ski Lessons

France was a ball, even though the weather was largely miserable. Hey, it's the French way! Not only had I not been skiing properly before, I'd also not been to France before. I mean, why would I? I used to almost be able to see France from where I lived, so why would I want to visit? Anyway, I learnt a lot about skiing, the "ski scene" (yawn), and the French, and here are some of my (hardly original) observations:

1. When skiiing you will be carrying alot of awkward equipment, you will be wearing gloves to lessen your grip on said equipment, and you will be in boots that are difficult to walk in. Hence ski resorts are designed to contain as many (concrete) stairs and narrow doorways as possible.

2. French drivers are utterly mental. Old news I know, but they really are complete nutters. Our 1 hour and 15 minute transfer from Geneva (yay, I got to visit Switzerland too, kinda) to our resort took a petrifying 55 minutes of sheer terror, mainly due to overtaking 5 cars at a time round blind bends along mountain roads, with a cliff face on one side and a sheer drop on the other. In the snow. Oh, and the sudden cross-country excusion because "We are not going fast enough, eh?", which resembled a James Bond chase scene albeit without the comedy knocking over of market stalls/chicken coops/men carrying panes of glass. I kept checking behind to see if we were being pursued by a man hanging out a Peugeot 504 with a machine gun.

3. All "extreme sports" fans look alike, be they snowboarders, base jumpers, skaters, surfers etc. They basically consist of teenagers with long hair and behavioural problems, plus the few grown-ups who haven't managed to kill themselves yet but are still clinging to the teenagers' idea of fashion. In fact, they all look like bicycle couriers. Does that classify as an "extreme sport" now? Oh, and they only listen to grungy rock music, although their girlfriends are allowed to listen to old MOR, like Genesis and Toto, which they sing along to in bars.

4. Skiers and snowboarders don't like each other. That's because snowboarders are stupid, arrogant tossers. Although they are very easy to knock over, which is a good thing.

5. If you've only ever skied once before, and that was a year ago, you really shouldn't sit in a bar all morning getting drunk prior to a ski lesson in the afternoon.

6. All French food seems to contain cheese, it all comes accompanied with cured meat, and most of it has an egg on top. I became accustomed to saying "No egg, merci" with every order.

7. The French don't really appreciate you having a go at their language when they can speak perfect English. When I say "having a go", I mean that in the same way that a pack of lions "has a go" at a lone, injured wildebeast i.e. by grabbing it by the throat and mauling it to death, which is precisely what I do to the French language.

8. French nightclubs still play "Loveshack".

9. Ski poles are used solely to injure you in a fall, or get in the way when trying to get on or off a chairlift. Or to trip small unsuspecting children so you can get into the food queue in front of them. Sorry about that whoever you were.

10. You must never say "Oh, this bolt looks a bit loose" when on a cable car with someone who is scared of heights.

11. Small French towns only have three types of shops; those selling meat, those selling cheese, and those trying to squeeze in everything else (mainly tobacco, things made out of wood, and, rather strangely, cuckoo clocks). In a ski resort you can also add in skiing equipment shops, which make up at least 50% of the town. We never found a single shop selling food that wasn't either meat or cheese. This was obviously the reason for Point 6 (above). Lord only knows where all the eggs come from.

12. The French smoke too much. They even smoke when they're working behind the bar. Or serving food, apparently.

13. If you're scared of flying you shouldn't ask the cabin crew whether it's going to be a rough flight if you're not prepared for a "Yes" answer. Cue The Drag Queen gripping both the seat in front and my hand until her knuckles were white for the entire flight, only for it to be completely smooth and uneventful. Women, honestly.

Of course, all of the above is based entirely on one skiing visit to one French town. But what's life unless you're prepared to make sweeping statements with very little to back them up?