I Need A Friend

Over the past months a few things have happened in my life which I've not been able to tell anyone about, and the sad thing is that I've realised that I don't really have a friend who I trust implicitly.

Just writing that makes me feel really sad.

You see, before I moved into London all of my friends were straight, and most were married with kids. As good as they were at being friends they just didn't get the whole gay thing. Sure, I could talk to them about relationships and they'd give good advice from their experiences, and sometimes it was interesting hearing things from a different viewpoint, but it's not the same as being able to talk to another guy who's really experienced the same things.

Then I moved into London and started making my own friends, but met noone who I felt really close to. It's not that I didn't like anyone - quite the contrary, there are quite a few people who I think are genuinely good guys. I have an innate feeling for people when I meet them, and know almost automatically whether I'll be able to trust them, and rarely am I proved wrong. The fact that I hadn't met anyone who I completely opened up to didn't bother me. There are different levels of friendship, and just because you wouldn't tell someone your innermost secrets doesn't mean that you can't be good friends and enjoy their company.

And then I met The Boyf and his small coterie of loyal friends and found that I rather liked them all, and in particular one of them is someone I trust implicitly. But at the end of the day this person is The Boyf's friend, first and foremost, and their loyalty is therefore to him, which is correct and as it should be. So although I can talk to them about most things I find I still don't have anyone to talk to with regards to my actual relationship. If nothing else I wouldn't want to put our friend in an awkward situation where their loyalties were tested.

So it comes to pass that I need someone to talk to, and don’t know who to turn to. I have so many feelings which I'm desperately trying to bottle up, but it's not easy. The only way I can do it is by shutting down on those around me - if I can't cry then I won't laugh either - so I'm in this odd limbo state where I appear to be entire void of emotion, when in fact I'm screaming inside. And the longer it goes on the worse it gets, rather obviously.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. I guess it's because I never realised I needed anyone until now, and I find it rather interesting how alone I suddenly feel.

(I'm very aware that I'm not really telling you everything. I'm still thinking about that)