I was quite looking forward to this years blockbusters. I decided early on that all of them would be crap, by varying degrees, and that the worst would be Transformers.
When the first Transformers movie came out I really wasn't looking forward to it. I had a friend who was all over it like a rash, I but was all like, meh. But when I saw it I actually rather enjoyed it. It seemed honest, and the action sequences and CGI were pretty good.
At the start of the year I decided that the sequel would be rubbish. More of the same. A lot more, and that would be it. But then the trailers appeared and looked pretty good. It all looked a bit Cloverfield.
And then I went to see it, and my early assumptions were proved correct. This WILL be the worst film of the year, I'm sure of it. Michael Bay obviously gave a checklist to the fanboys of the first film, asking what they did and didn't like, and then simply produced a film with more of what people wanted, regardless of how this affected any narrative.
More Megan Fox in shorts, pouting? Check.
Lots more Transformers, even if their reason for being is unclear? Check.
Bigger explosion (lots more shit getting blown up)? Check.
More of the parents, they were funny dude? Check.
That FBI bloke, but make sure he's even more of a comedy character? Check.
Slo-Mo fight sequences, with the sun reflecting off the Autobots? Check.
Oh, dump the plot, it just gets in the way. Check.
We loved that Terminator that could turn into different people - can we have some of that? That was a different film, but ok, we'll see what we can do.
Did we say more explosions? Yes, but we'll add some more in just in case.
Michael Bay inevitable gives us set-piece after set-piece with minor lulls inbetween. I've never seen so many action sequences in one movie. The film literally goes EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION - EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION ad infinitum. No wonder it ended up a bum-worrying two and a half hours long - there are enough action sequences for three God-awful films, let alone one. Someone really needed to tell Michael Bay to step away from the camera and edit this shit down to a sensible length. Either that or not even bother with the lulls. Just cut them out - give the audience a few 5 minute breaks throughout. You know, have an action sequence and then a blank screen with "You now have 5 minutes to pop to the loo or get more chocolate". I mean, it's not like the lulls further the plot.
Speaking of which, we actually get to about two thirds of the way through when some sort of "Plot Alert" alarm obviously went off in Michael Bay's office reminding him to shoe-horn something in. Up until that point there's seriously nothing apart from explosions and people running and shouting, and some comedy with the parents. Oh, and Megan Fox auto-pouting as soon as a camera sweeps past her. Then suddenly an old robot appears, comically with a walking stick, to literally tell us the entire plot of the film in a two minute burst, and then miraculously teleport the cast to the correct spot on the planet for the climax. Handy.
Urgh! Can you tell I didn't enjoy it?
It would have been ok, with some serious editing, and about, oh, six less action sequences. Oh, and a decent script. I know we didn't go along for Shakespeare but jeez, this is embarrassing.
Oh, I forgot to tell you about the good bits.
...
Oh, ok, the effects are pretty good.
So, in summation; I can't stress enough how you're not to go and watch this movie. Seriously, go and see anything other than this. As one review put it "It manages the incredible feat of being the fastest, loudest movie ever but simultaneously ridiculously dull. Like watching paint dry whilst being hit round the head with a frying pan".
The Boyf and I, as is often the way with married couples, managed to sum it up using the same word at the same time. The word was "nadir". It even makes "Terminator: Stagnation" look good. I need say no more than that.
UPDATE: This movie has had the second highest 5 day opening in history, behind "The Dark Knight". I'm ashamed to have contributed to it's success.
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2 comments:
We too were very disappointed, even worse I had to take my son to see it a few weeks after, and then the film snapped 10 minutes before the end. Aarrghh...
Oh, for the love of Cher! Fancy having to sit through it twice! And then missing the end! Oh, the humanity!
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