One Man's HardOn...

And on to HardOn's 5th birthday, quite literally for some.

Arriving just before 11 we were stunned to find an enormous queue stretching down the road outside of Hidden (the venue). How were all these people going to fit in this small club? What I was forgetting was that everyone will mysteriously end up covered in lube during the course of the night, thus making it possible to squeeze more people into the building. It doesn't make any difference if you don't go anywhere near the play-room either, somehow you will still get lube on you at some point. I swear that nothing in the universe spreads like lube at HardOn. They really should be testing it in the Large Hadron Collider rather than just blasting atoms about (or whatever nonsense it is they're doing).

Anyway, as we'd turned up with one of the DJ's and were on the guest list we simply marched up to the front of the queue and walked straight in, much to everyone's chagrin I should imagine. And thus, only 5 minutes after arriving we'd already checked our bags in and were at the bar (which already had lube on it). I love being a DJ groupie.

The place gradually filled up, although it never seemed to get uncomfortable, which seemed odd to us. We always spend almost the whole night in the first room (the bar area) cause the music's better, and this room didn't ever seem to be getting any more full. It puzzled, and dare I say it, vexed us, until we thought we'd have a look in the play-room to see what was going on. It was rammed, as were a lot of the people in there. In fact we could barely get in the door (even though it was covered in lube), and very quickly decided not to bother proceeding further, and so went up the stairs (where I slipped on lube) to the mezzanine, which unfortunately smelt like a rabbit hutch that was in dire need of a clean out. So back down the slippery stairs to the dancefloor it was.

Now, I seem to have said this a couple of times recently, and I hope it's not because I'm becoming some sort of snob (well, more of a snob), but the crowd at HardOn was plug ugly. Ok, that's a little unfair. In fact, it's very unfair, but then I like to generalise based on very little information. Certainly everyone seemed to be of a certain type, and not a type I find attractive I'm afraid. We stood outside for a bit to get some air and try to wipe some of the lube off, and all three of us (The Boyf and myself plus our DJ mate) noticed that everyone looked the same. Skinny or scrawnily muscular and hairless, and of course nearly everyone was in black leather or rubber (and lube). In fact, so many people looked like they needed food it looked a bit like a consignment of leather had been sent to famine-stricken Ethiopia, just with more erections. I commented to The Boyf that I was probably the fattest person there, which was met with a scowl, but I think I might have been right. I guess I'm just used to XXL and Megawoof and therefore need to readjust my size expectations.

As a result I didn't find one single person attractive, so remained chaste for the evening. I guess I just like my men a little bit better padded, or at least a bit hairy (and without quite so much lube on them). Having said that I did enjoy myself, and had a good dance, but felt unusually tired (ok, drunk) early so at 4am I grabbed a cab (oddly covered in lube) to head home to shower the lube off and get to bed, resolutely unsullied.

Actually, whilst I've been writing this I've been thinking about the whole unattractiveness thing, and I think it's simply because I'm not paying a lot of attention to anyone at the moment, looks wise. I'm just not noticing men, attractive or otherwise. The Boyf often points people out and I go "Nah", but then when I really look at them they're very attractive. I'm just not that bothered. Oh my God, perhaps, suddenly, I only have eyes for one man! Gosh, I wonder who it could be...