Whose Idol?

Is anyone paying attention to 'American Idol' over here in England apart from me? When I say "attention" I mean I'll leave it on if I accidentally happen to have the tv on and can't find anything else to watch.

Is that David Archuleta not Gareth Gates after extensive surgery? Bland, soulless voice? Check. Apparently rabid fan-base from day one, making it seem impossible for anyone else to win? Check. Talent comprising mainly of being able to look cute on camera? Check. Slightly androgynous, soft speaking voice? Crying in all the right places? Oh, so modest and self-effacing? Check, Check, Check. Career not likely to last past the first album? Oh, I should think so.

I loved it when Gareth was beaten by Will Young, back in the day when tv's were still black and white and when we all listened to the BBC World Service to find out what was going on with the war. You know, when Wagon Wheels were named as such because they were the size of wheels off covered wagons. Before they got all tiny and bite-size, so you can get them in your mouth whole, as I can a jam doughnut. But not at the same time, although I can't say that I've tried. One to add to the list of things to do before I die, along with swimming with sharks, and marrying Sean Connery in the late 1960's. And then divorcing him and marrying Burt Reynolds in the 70's. And then divorcing him and marrying Tom Selleck in the 80's. Currently I'm still hoping to marry Bill Goldberg, but I'm not sure who I should have married in the 90's that I should now be divorcing him for. I had a bit of a hard spot for Bruce Willis, so perhaps we'll go for that.

So, Gareth Gates. What a great talent he turned out to be. I couldn't stand him from day one, with his insipid blandness perfectly calculated to make grannies moist. Those big brown I'm-so-innocent eyes. I still think there was some manipulating going on to allow Will Young to win, as Gareth seemingly already had a career in the bag anyway. Of course, the talent shone though in the end and whilst Gareth faded into a grey, dull-looking obsurity, Will went from ok first album to bloody excellent second, and still rather good third. Gareth's second album doesn't even appear in bargain bins it's so scarce.

So, will David Archaeopteryx "do a Gareth"? Will he come a surprise second, amid allegations of a conspiracy? Will he be miraculously taken under Simon Cowell's wing, only for the spell to suddenly be broken and for people to realise that's he's the sonic equivalent of a fridge - white goods at best?

Oh, to be taken under Simon Cowell's wing. Is it only me that thinks Simon Cowell's kinda hot? I totally would. He's the only reason I'm still watching 'American Idol'. I'm totally going to marry him, as soon as I've married and divorced Bill Goldberg.

'Britain's Got Talent' on the other hand is a marvel of light entertainment. But would someone please stop them wheeling out children to sing "Nessun Dorma"? Or "Ave Maria" for that matter. You'd think there were only two songs that angelic children could sing. What's the betting that the next time that chubby little blond kid is on he'll fucking sing "I'm Walking In The Air"?

Still, I'll sit through it no matter what, just for a look at Simon Cowell's hairy wrists. Is that so wrong?