We don't seem to have been to the pictures for ages. Not since OBM#2 and I sloped off to see Transformers for the second time at the IMAX. It wasn't as good the second time round I have to say. Oh well, I got to spend some time with my best friend on our own, which is always nice.
Anyway, The Golden Compass. Here's a quick synopsis (lots of spoilers included)...
We are introduced to Lyra, our heroine, by way of seeing her running through fields and climbing across rooves with the local ruffians, known as "Gyptians", which we assume is a shortening of "Egyptian" even though they look like the chimney-sweep kids from Mary Poppins. We are obviously being told, in a very ham-fisted way, that Lyra must be a free spirit and head-strong. We immediately don't like her, not because she's naughty, but simply because she's deeply annoying. Also, we don't like her Daemon, which is explained as being her soul in the body of an animal which follows her around. I immediately start to wonder what clubbing and sex would be like with a load of animals getting in the way. In fact, isn't everything going to be really difficult if you have an animal with you? Imagine Sainsburys on a Saturday! And supposing you end up with an elephant. You're not going to be able to go anywhere!
Anyway, then Daniel Craig appears with a beard and all thoughts of anything else disappear. Sigh. Christ that man's sexy, for some unfathomable reason.
Then there's a 10 minute section in which an awful lot of words are said which don't really mean anything in an attempt to shoehorn a large amount of plot into a short space of time, leaving us wondering what's actually going on. Some of these words may or may not have been borrowed from Harry Potter.
Then Lyra's best friend suddenly states that children are disappearing, and she promises to save him if he's taken. We wonder if his disappearance could have been set up in a way which didn't feel like you were having someone shout it in your face.
Nicole Kidman arrives, in a shot from behind as she sashays into a large dining room. She's lacking the hips to be wiggling like that, frankly. She's introduced to us as another free-spirited woman, and someone to be weary of. She does this by demonstrating that everyone is afraid of her, for reasons we don't understand. She is thus very enigmatic and we go "Ooooooo, enigmatic". She invites Lyra to come to the "north" with her - we presume she doesn't mean Sheffield - and although Lyra only met her 2 minutes ago she accepts, and therefore deserves any trouble she gets into.
Lyra is given the last remaining Golden Compass to look after. Christ knows why, as clearly she's not to be trusted. The Golden Compass is a device who's purpose was explained to us at the start of the film at breakneck speed and without detail, and whilst we were still trying to get comfortable and juggle our icecream, popcorn and jumbo Pepsi. We therefore have no idea what it does.
Lyra's best friend disappears. Shock! She doesn't seem to care and heads off with Nicole regardless.
By this time Daniel Craig has gone "north" and has been captured, and is not to be seen again until the final 5 minutes of the film. Thus for most of the duration of the movie we're left wondering how his capture has moved the plot on, even though it turns out it hasn't.
There is a sequence which goes a bit "My Fair Lady" where we're treated to shots of London with the buildings stretched and plumped via the wonders of CGI, and where Nicole tries to turn Lyra into a mini version of herself with the cunning use of a new dress and a brush through her hair. Something fishy is going on and we're not entirely sure it's going to be explained very well at any point during this movie.
Lyra runs away and is aided by the Gyptians, who now look like pirates and live on a boat, causing us further confusion. Lyra reveals to the Gyptians (rather too quickly, like everything else in this film) that she's in possession of the Golden Compass. The filmmakers, apparently aware that we weren't paying enough attention in the title sequence, decide to have a Gyptian explain the device again, withouth actually explaining it properly. Again. We are led to believe that the Compass is incredibly difficult to read and noone can do it anymore. Imagine our surprise when Lyra manages it first time!
They travel "north" to look for the captive children, which turns out to be somewhere inside the Artic Circle. Not sure how they know the children are up "north". Perhaps I blinked and missed that part, in the same way that I missed the relevance of a random witch turning up on the boat and then leaving again. Once north they have the fortune of running into both Sam Elliott (not looking as sexy as he used to) and a talking Polar Bear both of whom have nothing better to do than help them - I love it when that happens. Lyra helps the Bear to gain his rightful crown as the Polar Bear King, which involves a fight sequence, and this has nothing to do with the rest of the film. Lyra and the Bear head to where the children are being held but are separated using the age-old "bridge which is only strong enough for one person and thus collapses behind our hero(ine)" routine. Lyra continues on her own. I'm sure she would have frostbite by now and lost her fingers and toes, but never mind. Perhaps next time they could CGI her some stumps. On a vaguely related note; did you know that for years after seeing Forrest Gump I believed that Gary Sinise was actually an amputee?
Anyway, Lyra makes it to the captive children and figures out what's going on. We don't. We're still a bit confused as to why they're separating children from their Daemons. What's the point? Soulless children? Surely there are enough of those in Bermondsey as it is. And why are they only doing one child at a time rather than trying to do it on a much larger scale. However, we understand that it's all about puberty because they tell us in a particularly clunky way.
There's a big reveal in which Nicole turns out to be Lyra's mother - like we didn't see that one coming - and Daniel Craig is her Dad. I wonder aloud what it would be like to call Daniel "Daddy". Lyra escapes and frees the children and then there's a big-ish "Lord Of The Rings" style battle sequence where a load of witches turn up to help for no real reason. Presumably they have some time off between other fantasy movies. The children flee across the ice to what we presume is safety although we're not told. They could quite easily have succumbed to the cold or been picked off by various predators, fallen off cliffs etc, but we're not privvy to that information. Lyra and her Bear fly off with Sam Elliott and one of the witches in his airship thing, even though she barely knows them. Presumably they're heading off for another adventure at breakneck speed in which everyone knows what's going on in the blink of an eye, and during which there will be an awful lot of characters who don't really do anything to further the plot.
Oh, and I've entirely missed mentioning the Magisterium. I think they're only there so that we equate them with organised religion and thus go "Oooo, them bad!". And there's mention of "Gobblers" which we found very amusing.
Amazingly I did actually quite enjoy it, but it is hugely derivitive. It's like a little bit of Harry Potter, a smidgeon on Narnia, and a dollop of Lord Of The Ring. And a touch of Star Wars for good measure ("Lyra - I am your Mother"). There just doesn't seem to be any fresh ideas. And the pace is just ridiculous. It cracks along at such a speed we never feel like we know what's going on or why, and the characters don't have a chance to flesh our who they are. And if Lyra died at any stage I honestly wouldn't mind one bit. But until the next Narnia film comes out it's enough to keep us entertained for a couple of hours, even if you'd never want to see it again.
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