My Guilty Secret

Apparently I’m not as good at hiding my little crushes as I thought. I mean, in Gayland I don’t bother. If I like someone I just giggle at them until The Boyf starts to rib me mercilessly, or until the object of my affection has either snogged me, or more likely, run away screaming.

In Heteroville I tend to be a little more discreet though. Or at least I thought I was.

I have a guilty secret at work, you see. There’s a guy sits not 10 feet away who I really shouldn’t like but struggle to keep my eyes off. He’s so not my type it’s unreal, but because of that I find him even more alluring. I guess I pay attention to him so much simply because I’m surprised I find him attractive and am trying to work out why.

Here’s a list of things about him I don’t like, any one of which wouldn't put my off, but together makes the whole thing rather difficult to fathom:

1. He’s in his 20’s. I like guys my age or older.
2. He’s blond. I like dark hair
3. He’s slim/muscular. I go for chunky/muscular
4. He’s tall. I prefer short
5. He’s smooth. I only go for hairy
6. He’s an Essex wide-boy/chav. I prefer everything other than that.

He smokes and swears like a trooper, has a tattoo of his favourite football club emblem on his bicep, talks about “birds” and “tits” constantly, and he regularly comes in to work on a Monday morning bruised and battered from bar fights over the weekend.

And I love him. Ok, “love” is WAY too strong. But certainly I lust after him. What I want to do is meet him in the showers at the gym and end up forced up against a wall while he brutalises me. I can imagine it being rather swift and aggressive and all about him, and I rather like that idea. It’s not a rape fantasy of course, because I wouldn’t be saying “no”. Anyway, I digress…Ahem.

We actually get along fine, which surprises me considering how utterly different we are. We were on a night out last year and he was being typically loutish, even trying to pick a fight with a colleague over something ridiculous. Anyway, we ended up at the bar together and he turned to me and said, “You know, I used to hate queers until I met you. I think you’re cool and it’s completely changed my mind. Seriously”, and then he put his arm around me. I was quite touched. Also, I got a stiffy.

So at work I watch him from the corner of my eye, wondering what it is about him I find so attractive, and I thought I was being terribly discreet until a conversation on Friday turned to “Who in the office do you fancy?”. I said “No one. You’re all equally unattractive”, to which Michelle replied “That’s not entirely true is it? We’ve seen you looking”. Emma nodded her consent and they both stared at me. “What? I have no idea what you’re talking about”. “Oh, really?” said Michelle and pointed over her shoulder to where my paramour sits. The girls giggled. I went red and hurried out of the office, mumbling something about files needing to be upstairs.

So my little guilty secret is out. How long before HE finds out, that’s the question. And what will happen? I shall hang around the gym showers expectantly.