Asleep On The Job

So, what did I do at the weekend? Well, I fell asleep at an orgy.

The Boyf's Mum has just come back from a world tour - well, ok, Singapore, Fiji, New Zealand and Los Angeles - so we travelled up to the Midlands on Friday evening to spend the weekend looking at the inevitable photos. We avoided her Friday evening though, and then again all day on Saturday, during which time the cold I caught some time last week took hold, my sinuses blocked up and my eyes started to stream. Come Saturday night I didn't feel well at all, but The Boyf thought we ought to go out so we headed into Birmingham for a quiet drink in a bar. Unfortunately, said bar was packed and buzzing, but it did make me forget my aching head for a while. The upshot was that The Boyf decided I obviously felt well enough to decamp to a sex club with the group of guys we were talking to, and I couldn't be bothered to protest. I figured we'd spend an hour there, where I'd hide in a corner, and then we could head home and everyone would be happy.

By 4am (!) I was having trouble. I'd propped up a corner of the bar and drunk so much I could barely stand up, which is probably why I was reminded the next day that I'd ended up flopped over the pool table with my jeans round my ankles being rimmed by two guys in turn. Then the bar closed - hurrah! - only for The Boyf to suggest we all go back to a hotel room and shag. Boo! Could I feel any less sexy? So we wandered back to the hotel where we were refused entry (only 2 allowed per room key) - hurrah! - only for The Boyf, who's not easily swayed, to suggest we go to someone's house instead. Boo again! So off we went in cabs to some random guys house, and once there I immediately fell asleep in a chair. They quickly woke me up and ushered me into a bedroom, where I dropped straight off to sleep. The next time I awoke was to heed a call of nature. What confronted me in the other room wasn't a pretty sight. There was lots of nakedness - some of it not all that pleasant - toys and assorted paraphenalia. Someone shouted "He's awake!" and heads turned in my direction. I felt a bit like a Christian that was about to be thrown to the lions, so I mumbled something about needing sleep, and rushed back to the safety of the bedroom. The next time I woke up - still fully dressed I might add - I was surrounded by sleeping naked men. As a young boy this would have been the stuff of much fantasy. When did I lose my innocense? (No need to answer that, thanks. It was 1987 in a cemetary).

Later on, when we were alone, The Boyf said that everyone had been in to see me at some point or another and tried to wake me up, but to no avail. My stock has definitely fallen in Birmingham. I'm going to have to go back and have sex with everyone I meet just to try to claw some of my reputation back.

And then of course we had to head to The Boyf's Mum to be shown the holiday snaps. Deep joy.

Next week your intrepid OMO brings you reviews of various films and club nights he's slept through.