Hello?
Is anybody there?
...
Hellooooo?
...
Just me then.
How funny! I just popped back to see if this blog was still here, languishing in some back-water of the interweb. And it is! I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - I never deleted it after all - but it seems funny just to see it sitting here. It feels like opening an old photo album. And just like an old photo album some of it is damn embarrassing. Oh well, it's how I felt at the time.
So, Dear Reader, what's going on these days, I'm sure you're asking?
Well, since August 2009 not an awful lot. I still live in the same place, with The Boyf and the Dog, I still have the same job, same car and same friends. We go out less than we did, but we have a nice life. The other thing that hasn't changed is the reason I stopped writing this blog. I'm still going through the same emotional crisis. I know, difficult to believe after all this time isn't it. Although now, with certain "happenings" this week, I do think I'm nearer to a resolution. The time has come to make "the big decision" and rather than procrastinating forever the matter is being taken out of my hands. Time to put up or shut up.
So, Dear Reader, I hope you're ok, and I hope you've had a good 15 months since my last post. I'm not sure I'll be writing again. Maybe I'll pop back again sometime with something to say. Never say never...
Take care of yourselves.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Beginning
There's a certain sense of irony which hasn't been lost on me. Actually, perhaps irony is the wrong word.
Further to my last post I couldn't keep everything to myself any more, and finally plucked up the courage to talk to The Drag Queen about my little issue. In a way it was actually her who steered the conversation round, as she'd engineered us being on our own for 15 minutes whilst The Boyf looked after the dog at her house. Basically, she had obviously sensed something was wrong and was prying. I didn't mind; it allowed me to open up, albeit not entirely and with only a short time-frame to work within. But now she knows the gist of the issue, has told me not to ever worry about being disloyal or of testing her loyalties, and has said that we'll have a good talk soon. Interestingly she did say "Well, The Boyf talks to me about his side of your relationship problems". Hmmmm.
So finally I have someone to talk to about my relationship issues, although I don’t think I'll quite be telling her everything. Some of the details really must be kept to myself.
But then something else happened. Something out of left-field. Something which I don’t feel I can share with anyone at the moment, apart from The Boyf - I need time to think this through - and it's something which is making me re-evaluate certain aspects of my life.
All this has made me think about this blog, and what I wanted to write about and achieve from it. Rather obviously I've not been writing much of late, and although I feel like I may need to write some of my thoughts down, I don't want them to be here. I always wanted this blog to be light and I don’t want it to become something it wasn't intended to be. So perhaps I'll say goodbye now. Yes, actually I will. After 3 years and 261 posts it's time to go. But I think I'm going to reappear somewhere - see if you can find me. It's been fun, truly. Thank you, anyone who took time out to read or to comment.
Goodnight Gracie.
Further to my last post I couldn't keep everything to myself any more, and finally plucked up the courage to talk to The Drag Queen about my little issue. In a way it was actually her who steered the conversation round, as she'd engineered us being on our own for 15 minutes whilst The Boyf looked after the dog at her house. Basically, she had obviously sensed something was wrong and was prying. I didn't mind; it allowed me to open up, albeit not entirely and with only a short time-frame to work within. But now she knows the gist of the issue, has told me not to ever worry about being disloyal or of testing her loyalties, and has said that we'll have a good talk soon. Interestingly she did say "Well, The Boyf talks to me about his side of your relationship problems". Hmmmm.
So finally I have someone to talk to about my relationship issues, although I don’t think I'll quite be telling her everything. Some of the details really must be kept to myself.
But then something else happened. Something out of left-field. Something which I don’t feel I can share with anyone at the moment, apart from The Boyf - I need time to think this through - and it's something which is making me re-evaluate certain aspects of my life.
All this has made me think about this blog, and what I wanted to write about and achieve from it. Rather obviously I've not been writing much of late, and although I feel like I may need to write some of my thoughts down, I don't want them to be here. I always wanted this blog to be light and I don’t want it to become something it wasn't intended to be. So perhaps I'll say goodbye now. Yes, actually I will. After 3 years and 261 posts it's time to go. But I think I'm going to reappear somewhere - see if you can find me. It's been fun, truly. Thank you, anyone who took time out to read or to comment.
Goodnight Gracie.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I Need A Friend
Over the past months a few things have happened in my life which I've not been able to tell anyone about, and the sad thing is that I've realised that I don't really have a friend who I trust implicitly.
Just writing that makes me feel really sad.
You see, before I moved into London all of my friends were straight, and most were married with kids. As good as they were at being friends they just didn't get the whole gay thing. Sure, I could talk to them about relationships and they'd give good advice from their experiences, and sometimes it was interesting hearing things from a different viewpoint, but it's not the same as being able to talk to another guy who's really experienced the same things.
Then I moved into London and started making my own friends, but met noone who I felt really close to. It's not that I didn't like anyone - quite the contrary, there are quite a few people who I think are genuinely good guys. I have an innate feeling for people when I meet them, and know almost automatically whether I'll be able to trust them, and rarely am I proved wrong. The fact that I hadn't met anyone who I completely opened up to didn't bother me. There are different levels of friendship, and just because you wouldn't tell someone your innermost secrets doesn't mean that you can't be good friends and enjoy their company.
And then I met The Boyf and his small coterie of loyal friends and found that I rather liked them all, and in particular one of them is someone I trust implicitly. But at the end of the day this person is The Boyf's friend, first and foremost, and their loyalty is therefore to him, which is correct and as it should be. So although I can talk to them about most things I find I still don't have anyone to talk to with regards to my actual relationship. If nothing else I wouldn't want to put our friend in an awkward situation where their loyalties were tested.
So it comes to pass that I need someone to talk to, and don’t know who to turn to. I have so many feelings which I'm desperately trying to bottle up, but it's not easy. The only way I can do it is by shutting down on those around me - if I can't cry then I won't laugh either - so I'm in this odd limbo state where I appear to be entire void of emotion, when in fact I'm screaming inside. And the longer it goes on the worse it gets, rather obviously.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. I guess it's because I never realised I needed anyone until now, and I find it rather interesting how alone I suddenly feel.
(I'm very aware that I'm not really telling you everything. I'm still thinking about that)
Just writing that makes me feel really sad.
You see, before I moved into London all of my friends were straight, and most were married with kids. As good as they were at being friends they just didn't get the whole gay thing. Sure, I could talk to them about relationships and they'd give good advice from their experiences, and sometimes it was interesting hearing things from a different viewpoint, but it's not the same as being able to talk to another guy who's really experienced the same things.
Then I moved into London and started making my own friends, but met noone who I felt really close to. It's not that I didn't like anyone - quite the contrary, there are quite a few people who I think are genuinely good guys. I have an innate feeling for people when I meet them, and know almost automatically whether I'll be able to trust them, and rarely am I proved wrong. The fact that I hadn't met anyone who I completely opened up to didn't bother me. There are different levels of friendship, and just because you wouldn't tell someone your innermost secrets doesn't mean that you can't be good friends and enjoy their company.
And then I met The Boyf and his small coterie of loyal friends and found that I rather liked them all, and in particular one of them is someone I trust implicitly. But at the end of the day this person is The Boyf's friend, first and foremost, and their loyalty is therefore to him, which is correct and as it should be. So although I can talk to them about most things I find I still don't have anyone to talk to with regards to my actual relationship. If nothing else I wouldn't want to put our friend in an awkward situation where their loyalties were tested.
So it comes to pass that I need someone to talk to, and don’t know who to turn to. I have so many feelings which I'm desperately trying to bottle up, but it's not easy. The only way I can do it is by shutting down on those around me - if I can't cry then I won't laugh either - so I'm in this odd limbo state where I appear to be entire void of emotion, when in fact I'm screaming inside. And the longer it goes on the worse it gets, rather obviously.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. I guess it's because I never realised I needed anyone until now, and I find it rather interesting how alone I suddenly feel.
(I'm very aware that I'm not really telling you everything. I'm still thinking about that)
Cosmic Love
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
OMO At The Movies: "Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen"
I was quite looking forward to this years blockbusters. I decided early on that all of them would be crap, by varying degrees, and that the worst would be Transformers.
When the first Transformers movie came out I really wasn't looking forward to it. I had a friend who was all over it like a rash, I but was all like, meh. But when I saw it I actually rather enjoyed it. It seemed honest, and the action sequences and CGI were pretty good.
At the start of the year I decided that the sequel would be rubbish. More of the same. A lot more, and that would be it. But then the trailers appeared and looked pretty good. It all looked a bit Cloverfield.
And then I went to see it, and my early assumptions were proved correct. This WILL be the worst film of the year, I'm sure of it. Michael Bay obviously gave a checklist to the fanboys of the first film, asking what they did and didn't like, and then simply produced a film with more of what people wanted, regardless of how this affected any narrative.
More Megan Fox in shorts, pouting? Check.
Lots more Transformers, even if their reason for being is unclear? Check.
Bigger explosion (lots more shit getting blown up)? Check.
More of the parents, they were funny dude? Check.
That FBI bloke, but make sure he's even more of a comedy character? Check.
Slo-Mo fight sequences, with the sun reflecting off the Autobots? Check.
Oh, dump the plot, it just gets in the way. Check.
We loved that Terminator that could turn into different people - can we have some of that? That was a different film, but ok, we'll see what we can do.
Did we say more explosions? Yes, but we'll add some more in just in case.
Michael Bay inevitable gives us set-piece after set-piece with minor lulls inbetween. I've never seen so many action sequences in one movie. The film literally goes EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION - EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION ad infinitum. No wonder it ended up a bum-worrying two and a half hours long - there are enough action sequences for three God-awful films, let alone one. Someone really needed to tell Michael Bay to step away from the camera and edit this shit down to a sensible length. Either that or not even bother with the lulls. Just cut them out - give the audience a few 5 minute breaks throughout. You know, have an action sequence and then a blank screen with "You now have 5 minutes to pop to the loo or get more chocolate". I mean, it's not like the lulls further the plot.
Speaking of which, we actually get to about two thirds of the way through when some sort of "Plot Alert" alarm obviously went off in Michael Bay's office reminding him to shoe-horn something in. Up until that point there's seriously nothing apart from explosions and people running and shouting, and some comedy with the parents. Oh, and Megan Fox auto-pouting as soon as a camera sweeps past her. Then suddenly an old robot appears, comically with a walking stick, to literally tell us the entire plot of the film in a two minute burst, and then miraculously teleport the cast to the correct spot on the planet for the climax. Handy.
Urgh! Can you tell I didn't enjoy it?
It would have been ok, with some serious editing, and about, oh, six less action sequences. Oh, and a decent script. I know we didn't go along for Shakespeare but jeez, this is embarrassing.
Oh, I forgot to tell you about the good bits.
...
Oh, ok, the effects are pretty good.
So, in summation; I can't stress enough how you're not to go and watch this movie. Seriously, go and see anything other than this. As one review put it "It manages the incredible feat of being the fastest, loudest movie ever but simultaneously ridiculously dull. Like watching paint dry whilst being hit round the head with a frying pan".
The Boyf and I, as is often the way with married couples, managed to sum it up using the same word at the same time. The word was "nadir". It even makes "Terminator: Stagnation" look good. I need say no more than that.
UPDATE: This movie has had the second highest 5 day opening in history, behind "The Dark Knight". I'm ashamed to have contributed to it's success.
When the first Transformers movie came out I really wasn't looking forward to it. I had a friend who was all over it like a rash, I but was all like, meh. But when I saw it I actually rather enjoyed it. It seemed honest, and the action sequences and CGI were pretty good.
At the start of the year I decided that the sequel would be rubbish. More of the same. A lot more, and that would be it. But then the trailers appeared and looked pretty good. It all looked a bit Cloverfield.
And then I went to see it, and my early assumptions were proved correct. This WILL be the worst film of the year, I'm sure of it. Michael Bay obviously gave a checklist to the fanboys of the first film, asking what they did and didn't like, and then simply produced a film with more of what people wanted, regardless of how this affected any narrative.
More Megan Fox in shorts, pouting? Check.
Lots more Transformers, even if their reason for being is unclear? Check.
Bigger explosion (lots more shit getting blown up)? Check.
More of the parents, they were funny dude? Check.
That FBI bloke, but make sure he's even more of a comedy character? Check.
Slo-Mo fight sequences, with the sun reflecting off the Autobots? Check.
Oh, dump the plot, it just gets in the way. Check.
We loved that Terminator that could turn into different people - can we have some of that? That was a different film, but ok, we'll see what we can do.
Did we say more explosions? Yes, but we'll add some more in just in case.
Michael Bay inevitable gives us set-piece after set-piece with minor lulls inbetween. I've never seen so many action sequences in one movie. The film literally goes EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION - EXPLOSION - talking - EXPLOSION ad infinitum. No wonder it ended up a bum-worrying two and a half hours long - there are enough action sequences for three God-awful films, let alone one. Someone really needed to tell Michael Bay to step away from the camera and edit this shit down to a sensible length. Either that or not even bother with the lulls. Just cut them out - give the audience a few 5 minute breaks throughout. You know, have an action sequence and then a blank screen with "You now have 5 minutes to pop to the loo or get more chocolate". I mean, it's not like the lulls further the plot.
Speaking of which, we actually get to about two thirds of the way through when some sort of "Plot Alert" alarm obviously went off in Michael Bay's office reminding him to shoe-horn something in. Up until that point there's seriously nothing apart from explosions and people running and shouting, and some comedy with the parents. Oh, and Megan Fox auto-pouting as soon as a camera sweeps past her. Then suddenly an old robot appears, comically with a walking stick, to literally tell us the entire plot of the film in a two minute burst, and then miraculously teleport the cast to the correct spot on the planet for the climax. Handy.
Urgh! Can you tell I didn't enjoy it?
It would have been ok, with some serious editing, and about, oh, six less action sequences. Oh, and a decent script. I know we didn't go along for Shakespeare but jeez, this is embarrassing.
Oh, I forgot to tell you about the good bits.
...
Oh, ok, the effects are pretty good.
So, in summation; I can't stress enough how you're not to go and watch this movie. Seriously, go and see anything other than this. As one review put it "It manages the incredible feat of being the fastest, loudest movie ever but simultaneously ridiculously dull. Like watching paint dry whilst being hit round the head with a frying pan".
The Boyf and I, as is often the way with married couples, managed to sum it up using the same word at the same time. The word was "nadir". It even makes "Terminator: Stagnation" look good. I need say no more than that.
UPDATE: This movie has had the second highest 5 day opening in history, behind "The Dark Knight". I'm ashamed to have contributed to it's success.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Overheard 2
(Poland Street, Soho, Saturday 16th May 2009, 3.58pm)
Camp Guy On Phone: "Yeah, well, I was like gonna go, but then I realised where it was, and I have a policy of never going further out than Zone 2, darling".
The Boyf and I roll eyes at each other.
Camp Guy On Phone: "Yeah, well, I was like gonna go, but then I realised where it was, and I have a policy of never going further out than Zone 2, darling".
The Boyf and I roll eyes at each other.
Overheard 1
(Soho Market, Saturday 16th May 2009, 3.54pm)
Punter (a tad aggressively): "Oi, mate, where are those oranges from?"
Market Trader: "Spain! You???"
Punter (a tad aggressively): "Oi, mate, where are those oranges from?"
Market Trader: "Spain! You???"
Friday, May 15, 2009
Not Exactly Prolific
Blimey, it's been over a month since my last post. To own the truth I'd kinda forgotten I actually have a blog.
So, what's been going on?
Well, the puppy's coming along nicely. He's 4 months old now and a little terror/angel, dependant on what mood you catch him in. He's very strong-willed, but he's pretty much house-trained now (not been easy as we live in a flat), and I wouldn't change him for anything. He's teething at the moment, which means my hands look like they been attacked by a small shark, and a lot of the furniture is taking a battering. Ah well…
What else? Well, I've just bought a new car, which I'm waiting to collect. It's the first time I've bought brand new, and with the current economic crisis hitting the motor trade I got a really good deal. Ever since I was a little boy it's been one of my ambitions to walk into a car showroom and pick a new car, and now I've finally done it. And I haven't told The Boyf yet - I'll just park it outside our home and surprise him with it.
As for going out - we've not done very much of it since May Bank Holiday, and even then we didn't do a great deal. Even at weekends I'm getting up for the dog at 8-ish, so it's no more getting drunk and falling into bed at 6 anymore for me.
All a bit dull really, isn't it? Makes you wonder why I persevere with this blog, if you call one post a month "persevering"...
So, what's been going on?
Well, the puppy's coming along nicely. He's 4 months old now and a little terror/angel, dependant on what mood you catch him in. He's very strong-willed, but he's pretty much house-trained now (not been easy as we live in a flat), and I wouldn't change him for anything. He's teething at the moment, which means my hands look like they been attacked by a small shark, and a lot of the furniture is taking a battering. Ah well…
What else? Well, I've just bought a new car, which I'm waiting to collect. It's the first time I've bought brand new, and with the current economic crisis hitting the motor trade I got a really good deal. Ever since I was a little boy it's been one of my ambitions to walk into a car showroom and pick a new car, and now I've finally done it. And I haven't told The Boyf yet - I'll just park it outside our home and surprise him with it.
As for going out - we've not done very much of it since May Bank Holiday, and even then we didn't do a great deal. Even at weekends I'm getting up for the dog at 8-ish, so it's no more getting drunk and falling into bed at 6 anymore for me.
All a bit dull really, isn't it? Makes you wonder why I persevere with this blog, if you call one post a month "persevering"...
Monday, April 06, 2009
On Being Inspired
Last Thursday evening we went to the National Film Theatre to see a talk by Cleve Jones, he of NAMES Project fame, and right hand man to Harvey Milk. It was part of the 23rd Lesbian & Gay Film Festival that's currently being held in London.
The talk took the form of an informal interview in front of a packed house, with Cleve talking through how he came to move to San Francisco and meet Harvey, how he dealt with Harvey's assassination and the repercussions, how the NAMES Project came about, and then how the film biopic "Milk" finally came to fruition.
After a slightly slow start Cleve quickly opened up and became incredibly friendly and eloquent, and by the end of it seemed like he would have happily chatted the night away. He came across as terribly humble, and very, very inspirational. The more this guy talks to young queerlings about their history and their legacy the better.
He likes to describe himself, as well as Milk and others like them, as ordinary men. The point he made was that we're all born the same and die the same but what we do in between is up to us. And we need to make a difference.
When talking about the AIDS Quilt he actually became very upset and broke down when recalling the friends that he lost in the early days, and as a result it was incredibly moving.
He was also actually very humorous, and you can still see the young man that is portrayed in "Milk". And he seemed to describe almost every man he'd met as "hot", including Dustin Lance Black who he escorted to the Oscars, and who's acceptance speech is a modern iconic moment in gay history.
Overall I came away challenged and inspired, and could have listened to him all night long. If ever I get the chance to say thank you in person for everything thing he has done for us then I should not hesitate one jot.
The talk took the form of an informal interview in front of a packed house, with Cleve talking through how he came to move to San Francisco and meet Harvey, how he dealt with Harvey's assassination and the repercussions, how the NAMES Project came about, and then how the film biopic "Milk" finally came to fruition.
After a slightly slow start Cleve quickly opened up and became incredibly friendly and eloquent, and by the end of it seemed like he would have happily chatted the night away. He came across as terribly humble, and very, very inspirational. The more this guy talks to young queerlings about their history and their legacy the better.
He likes to describe himself, as well as Milk and others like them, as ordinary men. The point he made was that we're all born the same and die the same but what we do in between is up to us. And we need to make a difference.
When talking about the AIDS Quilt he actually became very upset and broke down when recalling the friends that he lost in the early days, and as a result it was incredibly moving.
He was also actually very humorous, and you can still see the young man that is portrayed in "Milk". And he seemed to describe almost every man he'd met as "hot", including Dustin Lance Black who he escorted to the Oscars, and who's acceptance speech is a modern iconic moment in gay history.
Overall I came away challenged and inspired, and could have listened to him all night long. If ever I get the chance to say thank you in person for everything thing he has done for us then I should not hesitate one jot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
